Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
