I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
