4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
