dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
