well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
