why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
