watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
