Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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