Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
