I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
