I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
