I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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