I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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