I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
