Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
3 2 1 whiskey
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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