I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
