I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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