after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
