Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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