It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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