just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
