i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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