Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
