I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
