When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
