She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
