He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
