Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
