I wish I could teleport
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
