Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize