I hate your face
I think I am morally bankrupt
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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