dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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