He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hippo gnu deer
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
