i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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