i don't like sucking hair
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All the doctor said was why
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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