drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
