I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Someone signed my nipple.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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