Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
