Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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