i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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