a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
