a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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