Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I love you. Go after that dick
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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