now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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