Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
