Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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