I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
