Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
