He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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