i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
