Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
