The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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