i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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