Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
