please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
