the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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